Nissin Souper Meal - Chicken Flavor

Instant Oatmeal

Well look what we have here, some fuckin Quaker Oats. What sets this box of quaker oats apart and above all other oats is that it contains 12 packages of delicious oaty goodness that is high in fiber, good for your heart, and great for developing a nice clean pinch when it comes out the other end.

The first step is the proper bowl selection. Thanks to cancer (fuck you, cancer), a plastic bowl will not meet our standards. You need a nice microwave safe bowl. Not sure if your bowl is microwave safe or not? Look on the bottom. If it doesn't say microwave safe, then don't put it in the fucking microwave.

Next, remove the packet from the box. Open the packet and put the oats in the fuckin bowl. Next you fill the packet up with water (there's a fill line). Put the water in the bowl.

Put the bowl in the microwave and turn it on.

Use this time to make sure you've disposed of the packet properly. Think about the sea turtles and how if that packet ends up in the ocean a mighty sea turtle might swim into it and spend the rest of its life with a little oatmeal bag on its head. Feel guilty? Good.

DING!

Using mittens, Carefully remove the bowl from the microwave. If it's too hot and you're in a hurry, put some ice cubes in it (see ice cube recipe here).

Fuckin Roux

 

What the fuck you know about making roux? Do you even know what roux is? 

Roux is the basic sauce that all sauces are made from. Master the roux, master the world. Overcook the roux, and you got a saucepan full of brown burnt tasting garbage.

CITIZENS AGAINST OVERCOOKED STEAK #OCCUPYSTEAK

 

Please don't tell me you're one of those idiots that leaves a steak on the grill for longer than 2 minutes on each side. You do realize that overcooking a steak turns it into a tough and chewy flipflop, right? 

Eggs Benedict - Southern Style

This is my personal take on eggs benedict. Skip the hollandaise. I modified the recipe slightly to use a little bit of leftover sausage I had in the refrigerator. Cooking this is rather straightforward. The main focus here is of course going to be on the gravy. This recipe is for two servings. You'll need:

2 English Muffins.

2 Eggs cooked however you like them. I like mine poached, but whatev.

1 Cup milk.

Some salt (real salt, not that low sodium crap).

Some pepper (preferably fresh ground but whatever).

1 Tablespoon flour

1 Tablespoon Butter

Sausage Gravy

I follow the continental style sauce base for this. Its very simple and in my opinion gets the best results. You can use whatever amount of sausage you have handy for this, which is why I love gravy so much. Obviously, the more you use the better, but if you use this recipe you can halve or fourth or double or whatever if you do a little math. More sausage = more sausage flavor. Getting the gravy just right takes a bit of practice so if you fuck it up the first time, don't lose heart!! Try again next time. The simple ingredients really make the sausage flavor jump out. This only takes a couple minutes to make and involves no prep work whatsoever.

Add 1 tablespoon butter to a medium sauce pan over medium heat and melt.

Crumble the sausage into the pan and lightly brown in the butter.

Add 1 tablespoon flour and stir it around in the fat until it turns into a light brown pasty concoction. DO NOT LET THIS BURN. If you burn it, your gravy will taste burned. If you burn the gravy, you might as well hang up your cooking spoon and go back to shining shoes or whatever it is you do for a living.

Add 1 cup milk. Only add a little at a time. As you add the milk, stir it constantly. Each time you add a little milk, make sure the brown flour is mixed into the milk you add.

Turn the heat up to medium high. KEEP STIRRING. Add a pinch of salt and pepper.

WATCH THE POT. As you are stirring you will notice that the milk will start to bubble around the edges. Its reaching the boiling point. DO NOT LET THE MILK BOIL.

As soon as the milk begins to reach the boiling point reduce the heat to low. Keep stirring, you're almost done. You'll notice the gravy begin to thicken. When you notice it starting to thicken, take it off the heat.

Cover immediately and keep it covered until you are ready to serve or it gets this shitty film on the top that you'll need to skim off cuz its gross.

The Benedict

I don't know why the fuck this shit is called eggs benedict. But whatever. Toast your english muffin, and put a cooked egg on top of each. Next, dollop or drizzle a generous amount of the sausage gravy on top. Add salt and pepper to taste. Voila! One for you, and one to a friend that will be awed by your culinary skills - cuz who the fuck ever thinks to make eggs benedict?

Green Eggs for St. Patrick's Day

How to make green eggs for Saint Patrick's day.

 

In this cooking tutorial, I will be discussing the finer points of applying food dye to your food.

 

It's quite simple and easy, really.

 

This is simply scrambled eggs with some green and blue food coloring.

 

Prepare the scrambled eggs as you would normally in a bowl. First you add the milk, but this is the important step, you add a few drops of green food coloring to the milk. Then add the eggs . Mix it all up.

 

Cook them in a pan until cooked all the way through, and serve. Voila!

Rutabegas

 

This is a rutabega. When cooked, a rutabega kind of tastes like a cross between a potato and a carrot. Its actually in the turnip family. In fact, another name for a rutabega is "swedish turnip." 

The root portion, which you are looking at, is edible. However, the green leafy part of the plant, when present, is edible too. Most grocery stores carry them for sale as shown, though.

Rutabegas originated in Sweden, and were introduced to the rest of the world in the late 18th/early 19th centuries.

Rutabegas are the main ingredient in my favorite pastry, the pasty. Pasties are one of my favorite foods to cook from scratch, so I feel a special love for the rutabega. 

Here is a list of delicious rutabega recipes.

Poached eggs in the microwave

OK, I really have no fucking clue how to "poach" an egg, what "poaching" entails, or what the fuck "poaching" even means. Except like when Robin Hood poached King John's royal deer and the Sheriff of Nottingham got all pissy about it.

However, in my own head I came up with this idea on how to poach an egg.

Step 1: small glass bowl. Break an egg and put it in.
Step 2: put it in the microwave for 2 minutes.
Step 3: dump it out and eat it.

Quiche

• 2 tablespoons butter
• 1 onion, minced
• 1 teaspoon minced garlic
• 2 cups chopped fresh broccoli
• 1 (9 inch) unbaked pie crust
• 1 1/2 cups shredded mozzarella cheese
• 4 eggs, well beaten
• 1 1/2 cups milk
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 teaspoon black pepper1 tablespoon butter, melted

1.	Preheat the motherfuckin oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
2.	Over medium-low heat melt the goddamn butter in a large saucepan. Add the motherfuckin onions, garlic and broccoli. Cook slowly, stirring occasionally until the vegetables are soft. Spoon vegetables into crust and sprinkle with cheese.
3.	Combine eggs and milk. Season that shit with salt and pepper. Stir in melted butter. Pour egg mixture over vegetables and cheese.
4.	Bake that shit in a preheated oven for 30 minutes, or until center has set.

How to Make Boiled Eggs

 

How to make boiled eggs.

First, you boil some water. If you get bored waiting for the water to boil, you can just put the eggs in before it starts boiling. In my experience, it doesn't really matter. 

Once the water starts boiling, leave the eggs in there for a super long time. Like, 10-20 minutes.

You see, I like my eggs HARD boiled. Which means I cook my eggs for insane amounts of time. 

You have to be fucking patient with these motherfuckers.

Next, you take them out of the water and rinse them in cold water if you are so hungry you can't wait for them to cool off.

After that, carefully remove the hard outer shell and consume them.

Eggs are a cheap and nutritious source of protein. However, I wouldn't recommend eating more than 1 or 2 eggs a day, since no matter how fuckin free range, brown,  or organic they are, they are still loaded in cholesterol. And not the good kind of cholesterol either, the bad "clog up your arteries and make you die" kind of cholesterol. So enjoy eggs, just not every fucking day.

Microwave Popcorn

Microwave popcorn. Yes, today I am going to discuss the finer techniques of microwaving popcorn.

The first thing you need to do is decide what kind of microwave popcorn you want to eat. I am a big fan of pop secret. However, popcorn is popcorn, so theres not a huge difference.

You will need a microwave to make this delicious tasting shit.

First, you remove the popcorn from the plastic bag that helps preserve its freshness. Next, you open the microwave door and place the popcorn inside. Set the microwave to about 5 minutes or whatever the box tells you to do. Turn the microwave on.

Now here is where it gets tricky. If you don't wait long enough, not all of the kernels will pop into delicious popcorn. If you wait too long, you're going to burn your popcorn.

So just stand there and listen. I don't know how deaf people could do this properly.

When the popcorn stops popping a lot, and the pops are more infrequent, you turn the microwave off.

Next, you remove the bag from the microwave. This is an important step. You need to let it sit for a few minutes, because that shit is going to be really hot.

After waiting for a few minutes, open the bag. Reach inside, and eat the popcorn.

Brussel Sprouts

Who DOESN'T love these?

Today we are going to discuss cooking those little mean green motherfuckers.

Scrambled egg and biscuits face

If you're one of those idiots like me that likes to play with their food, you can easily make this dish.

First, you take two biscuits to make eyes. Then you sculpt your scrambled eggs into a smiley mouth. You could probably put a dollop of jam on the biscuits to make eyeballs. Personally, I hate jam, so I skipped that step.

Sauteed Onions

 

Ok, so this is a super old picture of some onions in a pan.

Sauteeing onions is so fucking easy. You'd have to be a complete idiot if you can't do this.

First, you cut up some onion. One onion is usually more than enough.

Then you put oil in a pan. Vegetable oil tastes gross, so use butter. If you are health conscious, use olive oil.

Next, put it on medium heat until the oil warms up. Then, toss the onions in. Stir them around for a while. If they start to look burnt or something, turn the heat down. Keep stirring them around in the oil until they are heated all the way through.

And that's it, sauteed onions.

Fried potates

Fried Potatoes. This shit is easy to make.

1.  cut up a potato into cubes.
2. Put some goddamned oil in a fuckin frying pan.
3. Heat the frying pan over medium heat. It works better if you are using a gas range. However, if you're one of those stupid fucks with an electric range, that works too.
4. Once the oil is heated up, carefully place the potatoes into the heated oil. Be careful, because if the potatoes are wet, they will splash oil, and hot oil hurts worse than getting kicked in the nuts by a black woman.
5. Put some pepper on that shit.
6. Cover and cook for approximately 15-25 minutes depending on how brown you like your potatoes. Stir them up often so they get done evenly while they are cooking.
7. Once they are cooked to your satisfaction. Remove the potatoes from the pan, and soak up excess grease.
8. Next, sit your ass down and enjoy your concoction of doom.

Mashed Potatoes

Today is March 13th, "National Mashed Potato Day."

Okay, I made that shit up. But mashed potatoes really do deserve their own holiday. I for one love mashed potatoes, and if you're anything like me, you probably love mashed potatoes too.

There isn't really anything that mashed potatoes don't go with. Mashed potatoes pretty much go with any other dish. Chicken, beef, pork, tofu, fish, vegetables. Name one food that mashed potatoes don't go with, and I'll give you a prize. The prize is I show up to your house and I fill your mailbox up with free mashed potatoes.

Making mashed potatoes is easy. You boil potatoes until they are falling apart (about an hour or so depending on how you cut them). I prefer to peel and boil the potatoes whole. However if you want to cook them faster you can slice them into pieces. You can also leave the skin on if that is your preference.

Next, you drain the potatoes and smash them up. There are various ways to accomplish this, but it is up to you. Next, I add a whole stick of butter. Let it melt. Then add milk. This part takes practice. If you don't add enough milk the potatoes will be pasty and weird. If you add too much, they'll be soupy and weird. Next, use a hand blender and whip the hell out of them. No seriously, the more you whip the potatoes the better they will taste. You can add salt and pepper as you whip them to taste. Don't overdo it though, because you can always add salt and pepper at the table.

Pasta Salad

As Shakespeare once wrote in one of his plays, "What kind of a sick motherfucker doesn't love a good pasta salad?"

Pasta salad is one of the easiest and tastiest things that can come out of a kitchen. This pasta salad is simple to make.

Step 1; boil water and cook up some multi-color rotini you bought at the goddamned grocery store. See how it comes in 3 different colors? That represents the italian flag. Hallelujah, holy shit. Its supposed to be Red, White, and Green, but it really comes out more like Orange, Yellow, and Green. Oh well, doesn't really matter.

Step 2; Drain and cool your pasta. Run that shit under cold water. Chill it out. Next, add olive oil and balsamic vinegar to taste. Sprinkle on some basil. Fresh basil is better than dried basil, but it doesn't really fuckin matter. Unless of course you're a chef or some kind of snobby foodie person. You can add little cubes of mozzarella if you're into that shit. Sprinkle parmesan cheese on it too.

Step 3; Add some cut up tomatoes, red peppers, green peppers, black olives, or whatever else you like, in any combination you like.

Step 4; Refrigerate for a few hours. Let it all get nice and cold.

Step 5; Eat it.

And there you have it, pasta salad in a nutshell.

Baked Bacon

 

You're probably thinking to yourself, who the fuck bakes bacon on a cookie sheet in the oven? Only mad kitchen geniuses such as myself. But what is the secret to making bacon in the oven, you ask me? How can I do this myself in the comfort of my own kitchen? Putting bacon in the oven may make you feel uncomfortable, believe me, I was nervous the first time I did it too. But once you've popped your cherry it gets a lot easier!

Ingredients:

Bacon.

You don't even need to preheat your oven to do this. Arrange the bacon slices on the cookie/baking sheet. How much bacon you put on the sheet is up to you. You can make a whole package of bacon using this method, so it just depends on how much heartburn you want or how fat you are. Put the fuckin baking sheet in the goddamn oven. Close the motherfuckin oven door. Turn your bitchass oven all the way up to 400°F. Walk away. Don't just stand there lookin, just walk away.

Go find something to do for about 20 minutes. Preferably go walk on a treadmill and/or snack on something healthy, you fat fuck. As soon as the bacon is brown, it's done. Make sure the bacon is completely cooked, unless you like having tapeworms, stomach flukes, and/or other parasites inside your body which have potential to grow into alien lifeforms, pop out of your chest, and kill the entire crew of a spaceship.
Step 20: Check the bacon. Is the bacon done? Yes? GREAT! Remove the pan from the oven. Pick up the bacon with some type of utensil (not your fingers, because the bacon is fucking hot at this point and you don't want to risk dropping any).Put the bacon on a papertowel, let it soak up some of that grease, unless you don't have any paper towel. If you don't have any papertowel, use a pair of clean underwear and/or socks. Clean being the keyword, here, people! Some people recommend stuffing the bacon inside the sock but I discourage this practice as it can be difficult to remove.

Baking Stones

 

So, for this edition of my blog I will be covering the topic of baking stones.

The Pampered Chef lady sold one to me a few years ago. Well, actually it was my boring ass cousin that throws pampered chef parties, and guilts you into buying their overpriced shit.

Baking stones are actually kind of stupid. They don't make the food taste any better. So why use them?

The crust, man. The crust. That's why. If you're baking homemade pizza or bread or someshit, the pizza stone is essential. It's not about the flavor, its about the texture. For that end, baking stones kick ass.

So yea, if you like to bake shit, get yourself a damn baking stone. I have two, cuz I like to bake shit like a pro.

As you can see, I have a thermometer in my oven too. I don't trust the oven thermometer, and I like to have the temperature just perfect. Sometimes I dress up like the pillsbury doughboy, put on a stupid hat, and make a bunch of biscuit dough and put it in the oven. Shits poppin fresh. Then I go to craigslist and hire somebody to come and poke me in the belly while I'm cookin and I giggle, makes the shit more authentic.

Coconut

 

So you went to the store and you bought yourself a motherfuckin coconut. Good job! But the question remains, how to open it? Do you have a trash or grocery bag? Put that stupid coconut in that bag and go outside, and beat the fuck out of the ground with that goddamn fuckin coconut while its inside the bag. The coconut juice is gonna go flying everywhere, and your neighbors are going to think you're crazy as fuck, but they're the ones missing out on delicious fresh coconut goodness. Actually, the inside of a coconut tastes like fucking bland shit. How do they get it to taste so good in cookies though? Simple, they add sugar. So put some sugar on your coconut. And now you're eatin a coconut like a pro. Good work. Tune in next week for another edition!