Baked Bacon

 

You're probably thinking to yourself, who the fuck bakes bacon on a cookie sheet in the oven? Only mad kitchen geniuses such as myself. But what is the secret to making bacon in the oven, you ask me? How can I do this myself in the comfort of my own kitchen? Putting bacon in the oven may make you feel uncomfortable, believe me, I was nervous the first time I did it too. But once you've popped your cherry it gets a lot easier!

Ingredients:

Bacon.

You don't even need to preheat your oven to do this. Arrange the bacon slices on the cookie/baking sheet. How much bacon you put on the sheet is up to you. You can make a whole package of bacon using this method, so it just depends on how much heartburn you want or how fat you are. Put the fuckin baking sheet in the goddamn oven. Close the motherfuckin oven door. Turn your bitchass oven all the way up to 400°F. Walk away. Don't just stand there lookin, just walk away.

Go find something to do for about 20 minutes. Preferably go walk on a treadmill and/or snack on something healthy, you fat fuck. As soon as the bacon is brown, it's done. Make sure the bacon is completely cooked, unless you like having tapeworms, stomach flukes, and/or other parasites inside your body which have potential to grow into alien lifeforms, pop out of your chest, and kill the entire crew of a spaceship.
Step 20: Check the bacon. Is the bacon done? Yes? GREAT! Remove the pan from the oven. Pick up the bacon with some type of utensil (not your fingers, because the bacon is fucking hot at this point and you don't want to risk dropping any).Put the bacon on a papertowel, let it soak up some of that grease, unless you don't have any paper towel. If you don't have any papertowel, use a pair of clean underwear and/or socks. Clean being the keyword, here, people! Some people recommend stuffing the bacon inside the sock but I discourage this practice as it can be difficult to remove.